Going back to the beginning

The BIG question – When should we start trying?  I was on an 8-month leave of absence from my job in order to get my Master’s degree – would it be so bad if I went back pregnant?  But we had a trip planned to Europe and I wouldn’t be able to drink wine and then there was my graduation in June and if I had morning sickness, how would I get off the stage to run and puke?  Our best friends were pregnant so it would be really great to have our babies close in age so what the heck, let’s start trying and just think how romantic it would be to find out we’re pregnant in Italy?

Sound familiar?  Chris, my husband, and I were sure we’d get pregnant on the first try and when it didn’t happen, we were sad but at the same time, we were in Italy and it meant I could enjoy wine for a little while longer.  The second failed month was a little bit harder and the 3rd and 4th months even harder.  Not to mention being off the pill meant that my cycle was all over the place with the number of days which means those longer cycles gave just that little bit extra of hope.  I recall doing the pregnancy test one morning, going downstairs to tell Chris and slumping into the floor leaning against the fridge crying – that was definitely one of the lowest moments.  On the bright side, I was sad for a day or two and then it was back to the drawing board – taking my temperature every morning and peeing on the ovulation sticks.  After a few more months of disappointment, I decided to give up doing the temperature checks and ovulation sticks – we were just trying to hard so if we forgot about that stuff then it would be sure to happen.  Nada.  I also realized I was traveling a lot for work which was stressing me out (what do you mean I have to miss one of my ovulation days for work?!).  I then made an appointment with my Dr. who did some initial tests to reveal nothing was wrong with Chris and I at a high level.  He then referred me to a specialist but I’d have to wait a while for the specialist to get back to me with an appointment.

In the meantime I realized I needed to get a new job, one where I didn’t need to travel.  The stressful job had to be the source of my infertility, right?  So I got a new job and decided to take a few months off trying.

My specialist appointment ended up being booked 3 weeks into my new job (which was also a 40 minute commute from my office).  The first appointment was extremely overwhelming – come in on day 3, then back on day 10 and then possibly back every day from then until ovulation.  It was a first come first serve basis between the hours of 7am-9am (but to be out by 9 you needed to show up and get in line at 6:30am).  At each appointment you needed blood work, an ultrasound and see either a doctor or nurse.  Wow!  For someone just starting a new job this was a commitment I was not prepared to make right away.  I agreed to get further testing done but said I needed to wait a few months before starting the cycle monitoring.

I should probably mention I’m not the most patient person either so any option to speed up to get pregnant I was going to take.  Fast forward past 3 months of using fertility drugs, 3 months of IUI and 2 failed IVF attempts and it was official – Chris and I were labeled with UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY!  2 lovely words that make it pretty hard to move on and give up.  On the other hand, the emotional rollercoaster ride topped with the pools of money that each treatment cost had to come to an end.  I can’t say how great it felt to move on to adoption – a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I was excited to finally have a bit of control back.  I also never pictured myself pregnant which made it an easy choice.  I don’t think people believe me when I say that but I don’t, I pictured myself with a baby but the whole pregnancy and giving birth terrified me. Luckily for me, expanding our family through adoption also excited my husband and the transition was a no brainer 🙂


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